You ever watch Walk the Line? I feel like Johnny Cash in Folsom when he stares at the water then talks to the prisoners. See like Johnny I felt I had "seen some things" I have done some stupid shit. Trying to fight bouncers, hanging with shady would be drug dealers, having guys try to sell me illegal guns, my walk home from work down a hooker stroll. That made for some crazy conversations or when they found a body on fire in my dumpster, those are a few choice things that made me feel like I had "Seen Things". Then yesterday I found out my cousin died and it was a kick from reality. I am a pretty average guy, not someone who had seen some things.
See I wrote about him in earlier blogs. I called him Bad News cousin if you read them. When I heard he passed though I looked into him a bit more. A simple google search told me what I already knew, he did 10 years for a murder here in Edmonton, after that he was charged in an operation to curb violence and drugs in Calgary. However he wasn't some gangster like those headlines might suggest, some drug dealer and killer. He was an addict, according to his lawyer in the murder case he lived a tragic life, homeless since 12. When he was arrested for the murder they found him sleeping in a bank vestibule. Reading that really made me realize, I have seen fuck all really. In an agreed statement of fact, after him and his girlfriend murdered his ex, they stole canned food. Imagine a life so shitty you are sleeping in building entryways and stealing canned food. I would be willing to guess on average my wife and I waste $100 a week eating out. 1 nice meal with some appies, wine and tip and $100 gone. This guy was stealing canned food. In my years of doing dumb shit one thing has always been constant. No matter what at the end of the day I had a roof over my head and a bed I could go back to. When shit got way too overwhelming, I went home and stayed with my parents for a week to get my head on straight. I can't imagine not having that luxury. Sleeping in a bank entrance...
What were you doing at 12? MY guess is being involved in a sport or some youth activity. Going to school. Maybe getting mad that your parents didn't get you the newest video game or wouldn't let you do what you wanted. I am guessing it wasn't wondering where the next meal might be or what roof would be over your head. I am going to say I was 14ish when I met him for the first time, which would make him 16ish. He stayed over a few nights. I thought he was the coolest, longer blonde hair, smart, funny with a carefree attitude. Honestly I would say a modern day Huck Finn or that is how he came off to me. Plus he had exciting stories. I was Mafia obsessed at that point in my life and he talked about meeting the Hells Angels. Whether it was true or not I will never know, I do know he loved bikes and had life been different for him he would have owned one. HOWEVER not once did he ever suggest we do anything "bad". He just seemed happy to sleep over, play video games, eat peanut butter & jam sandwiches and drink iced tea. Looking back I am sure I was like any 14 year old, look at all my cool shit! My Super Nintendo or whatever it was at that time on my TV in my room with my waterbed! I wonder how that came off to him. Which made me start wondering about what life could have been like for him somewhere else. He was charming, charismatic and I am told smart. What if he had been given rules and boundaries? Or more important love and a roof over a head with food in the belly. Would this story have a tragic ending OR maybe he would have been a success somewhere else.
I have been doing a lot of extrapolating lately for school. This kinda opens my eyes a bit. I mean I guess that is why this won't get out of my brain. It is a tragic story I know, from a person I didnt know for years but he seemed like just a nice lost kid years ago. So this is one guy, how many more stories like this are there. I realize not every homeless person has a background like that but I am sure a lot do. How much potential is wasted living on our streets? Just donated more to Hope Mission. I usually do at holidays for meals but just did today because well I dunno why this is waying on me. (PS stop sending mail! These charities asking for money probably spend more on postage than they received back. Like I know you exist stop sending me shit every week asking for money and put some of that into your cause!) I dunno maybe if you're reading this and you can, donate a few bucks to something you believe in. Or buy a care pack at the grocery store for your local food bank.
If you have read my older blogs, I haven't had patience for criminals. Don't mistake this for me excusing his crimes. If you commit crimes you should serve the time. Even if you are my cousin. I am venturing into territory I can be honest, I don't know. What happens in prison? I assume you can get addiction counselling? I mean maybe instead of yelling about defund the police we should be working on reforming people who could use it?
Anyways I dunno why I wrote this. It has really played on me for a few days and I don't know why. I hadn't seen him in 20 years but it makes me sad. Maybe I will learn some empathy from it. Maybe I feel bad because if I look back I have had a good life with great support and just like Mr Cash I haven't really "seen things" but someone I knew didn't have those things and his life was a tragic story for 30 years. Either way I hope he has found peace.
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